Famous Flies

• The Fly
• Fly in your trousers
  
• Fly-by-Night

• Fly Fishing by JR Hartley
• On the Fly

I got confused when I was thinking about this at 3 o'clock this morning and thought it was Spanish Fly but its actually Spanish Flea. never mind its a good tune anyway.

Krakow

Sock Monkey got back from Krakow over 5 weeks ago and hasn't written the report yet! So here it is:

P and I decided to have a long weekend Krakow and flew out there at the very end of March. I had seen an ad in the paper for a long weekend but booked the same flights and hotel myself and got 4 days cheaper than what they were charging for 3. And better flight times & dates. Ha!

We arrived at Krakow airport (but my luggage didn't - I knew it wouldn't get on the same flight as me as soon as I handed it to that dimwit at Gatwick) and, after telling the luggage people where to send my rucksack on to, had a pit-stop-ette there where I had my first bottle of Polish beer then got a taxi to our home for the next 4 days.

This was the Qubus Hotel which is in Kazimierz which is where the Jewish Ghetto was. We really liked it round there. And it was sheer bliss to arrive back there every night, go to the steam room, then the sauna, then have a swim and finish off with a lounge in the jacuzzi, before wandering out into the local area to explore. If you look at reviews of it loads of people mention that it is far out of town - yeah if you are bone idle and count a mile as a long walk. And it meant that we were far, far away from stag parties - Krakow unfortunately appears to becoming the new Prague. They must be so thrilled!

That afternoon, after buying the least objectionable swimming costume I could find (there was no way I was missing the sauna, etc even for one night) we had a wander around Kazimierz. We tasted our first Polish food (its not what I would call health food but it is certainly filling). We went into Jewish Bookshop where I heard this for the first time (select the track 'Usual Happiness'). The band is called Kroke and I am now the very happy owner of a copy of their CD 'Ten Pieces to Save the World' which will always remind me of Krakow.

On our first full day we visited the Salt Mines.
In the 'olden days' the miners carved statues out of the salt and also made chapels. Some of the statues are pretty amazing and some of the underground churches/chapels, etc are stunning but on the whole it is actually quite boring. And after schlepping down 350 stairs to get into the mine you have to get a horrible claustrophobic metal miner's lift back up. *shudders* So - It bit pants really and I would have rather done the Crazy Guides Interactive Communist Trip. Next time! And I may arrange for them to meet us at the airport with a band (costs extra).

The next day we visited to Auschwitz & Birkenau. We didn't want to go as part of an organised tour and couldn't really be bothered to walk up to the bus station and take the bus so we hired a car & driver for the whole day. It did seem a bit wrong to turn up at a concentration camp in a Mercedes but we did travel in comfort, unlike those poor souls who were sent there during the war.
I didn't actually find Auschwitz that bad. In a bizarre way it looks like a holiday village. The buildings are made of stone and are in very good condition - I thought they would all be wooden. A lot of the buildings house special exhibitions: the plight of the Jews, the French,
(above: the gate bearing the words 'Work Sets You Free')
the Hungarians...the prisoners everyday lives, etc. By far the most disturbing was the exhibition entitled 'Evidence of Crimes'. This is where a lot of the possessions stolen from the prisoners is exhibited. It consists of shoes, clothing, suitcases, glasses, prosthetic limbs, cooking utensils, toothbrushes, and even the hair shaved from their heads. Basically everything the prisoners brought with them was stolen from them. Their money went into the Nazi bank account at the Bundesbank, their clothes were sent back to Germany for the people there. I found it very moving that one suitcase has an advert pasted into the inside lid which showed the latest fashions for men and women that year. Striped

(above: the crematorium at Auschwitz, above right: a memorial at Auschwitz)
trousers, jacket & hat and clogs did not feature. What was disturbing was seeing the wall where prisoners were shot (in full view of other prisoners, naturally), gallows were dotted around the site, including the one which had been quickly erected so they could hang 12 people at once. There were walls and walls of photographs of prisoners with the date they entered the camp and the date they died. Most died after about a month. Then there was the crematorium. That was pretty harrowing to enter.

Birkenau on the other hand is absolutely horrible. When they ran out of space at Auschwitz they knocked down a couple of towns to build Auschwitz II, or Birkenau as it is called. They built it from the bricks from the villages they destroyed to clear the space. First you enter the infamous gate where the trains packed with prisoners arrived. It truly does look like the gates to Hell. Here they were quickly assessed as to whether they would live or die. Anyone old, young, disabled or ill were gassed immediately. The rest were basically used as slaves or experimented on.
(above: the main gate at Birkenau, right: inside the barracks)

It is absolutely massive. I reckon its about 8 times the size of Auschwitz. The atmosphere is horrible. At least half of it was either blown up or knocked down by the Nazis who wanted to hide their crimes when they fled and embarked on the Death March - they knew they were going to lose the war, so decided to march their prisoners back to Germany. The crematoria are just ruins, as are a lot of the barracks. You can get into many of the barracks which do still stand. This is a dreadful experience. The atmosphere is completely overwhelming. You can actually feel the suffering which still hangs in the air. When I took this photograph a white orb floated across the screen from left to right but didn't appear on the photograph. That could only have been the spirit of someone who had once been there in body.

After doing our two 'big' day rips we spent our third day visiting Reynek Glowny, the main square. The square itself is 200m long and is supposedly the biggest square in Europe. I can certainly believe that - its huge and has hoards of dive-bombing flying rats. Or 'pigeons' as some people insist in calling them.

St Catherine's Cathedral is in the corner of the square. The myth about its asymmetrical towers is that two brothers built one each and had a competition to see who could build the tallest. In reality one tower has a bell and the other doesn't. It is beautiful inside. Whereas in almost all other cathedrals the paint has faded and the walls are bare stone, this cathedral is still painted in beautiful vibrant colours. I thought that the people of Krakow must be very naughty judging by the bloody massive line for confession but P pointed out that it was almost Easter and everyone wanted their confessions heard before then. Dunnno why. I suppose its like doing your last minute Christmas shopping or something...

Then we had a wander through Cloth Hall. This is in the middle of the square and has lots of little stalls inside. Here you can buy all your tourist tat but they do have some nice stuff too. I bought an icon. I do love religious icons, although the two I have do look slightly odd sitting next to my statue of a Red Army Soldier. P got a rather fetching chess set at the absolute bargain of £3!

It was lunch time so we started looking for somewhere promising to eat when P suggested that we have a look in the turretty building thing at the other end of the square. It was great! Downstairs it is a little theatre and there is also a bar & restaurant. Its really lovely and very atmospheric. So we had to stay for one drink. P tried the fortified wine she had been eyeing up for the past couple of days. I have no idea how she drank it as it seemed to disintegrate the inside of my nose when I gave it a sniff.

P had been told about 'The Singer Bar' so we trundled over there one evening and it was really lovely. All the tables are old sewing machine tables complete with sewing machine and the whole place is candlelit.

There was also a really nice bar at the end of our road. One night we went there and they had a jazz jamming session. There were about 4 musicians on stage and every so often one would leave and another would join them. It was great fun but bloody smokey. It feels so odd to be in a smokey bar nowadays.

We also took a wander to the Schindler factory which was close to our hotel. Its derelict now but there are plans to open it as a museum at the end of this year. The security guard let us go inside the factory itself. There's not much to see but no doubt that will be all different in a couple of months.

We really loved Krakow and will definitely return. There were a few things we didn't have time to see. And I do fancy the Crazy Tour.

Ground Control to Major Tom

A grown man has just asked me how to use a microwave!!

I wandered into the kitchen at work (if anything in this world should be described a something-ette its our kitchen at work. Its small-but-not-perfectly-formed) and he is standing there with a bewildered expression on his face. Its not like he was confronted by this (points right):

Nor was it making Starship Enterprise-type noises (although it would be entertaining if it did).

He says, "Sock Monkey could you show me how to use this microwave? I've never used one."

I didn't laugh or make a snort of derision, or gasp or anything. I just showed him how to twist the little knob round to how many minutes you need it to nuke your grub (in this case pizza. microwaved pizza does-not-equal-nice).

And I thought I was a luddite! I wonder if he knows how to use a calculator, or a cash machine or a zip! He's obviously been doing too much colouring in or something.

DustpanNoBrush

Went to sweep the kitchen floor last night and found that I have two dustpans but no brushes. How the hell did that happen?? I had to improvise by using the sqweegie thing that you use to remove the excess water when you wash the windows.

It must be ghosts.

I own two o' them *points left* and none o' them *points right*

Camera Obscura @ The Lexington

How much do I like Camera Obscura? Bloody loads thats how much.

So I went to see them again last night in a pub called The Lexington in Angel. I'd never been there before and I really liked the venue. The gigs are held upstairs and the room only holds 200 people so although we were standing towards the back, near the bar and above the sound desk we had a fantastic view because we were higher than the stage and still only about 20 feet away from it.

They were performing songs from their new album My Maudlin Career (released 21 April - hate the cover a/w). Tracyanne asked "Is everyone as nervous as us?" and went on to say that they hadn't performed the new material before and that people 'get angry' when they do the new stuff and not the old favourites, although I can't actually imagine a Camera Obscura crowd getting angry.


The gig was a mixture of songs from the new album and songs from their previous album 'Lets Get Out of This Country'. Or rather 'new record' as Tracyanne referred to it as.

Because I was standing above the mixing desk I could see the playlist and can almost remember the running order which went something like: 1. My Maudlin Career, 2. Lets Get out of This Country then included French Navy, Honey in the Sun, Swans, James and You Told a Lie from the new album and Lloyd I'm Ready to be Heartbroken, Come Back Margaret and two of my favourites Tears for Affairs and Razzle Dazzle Rose from the last album. But they still didn't play Suspended From Class which is my favourite song of theirs! I'll need to email them which gigs I plan to attend and request it.

Above right: that's her performing last night

During the first two songs the sound engineer hadn't quite got the balances right so everything was turned up loud except the microphone picking up her voice. For about 3 seconds I thought about leaning over, tapping him on the shoulder and politely asking him to sort it arrt. But he did sort it after Tracyanne said that they sounded like they were performing in a goldfish bowl. I wouldn't want to mess with her.

I liked the songs they played from the My Maudlin Career. Sometimes when you hear new stuff you think 'ho hum very nice now play something I know' but they mixed the order of old and new material well. Guitar player Kenny did get a bit ahead of himself when he started playing the wrong song, saying he had jumped one song ahead on the playlist.

They are just really good musicians and Tracyanne writes fantastic lyrics and I love her voice. Visually they aren't the most exciting band to watch and there isn't much chat between songs but to stand and hear them play live is great. So great in fact I'm seeing them again next month. Does that make me a groupie?

Two Plays in Two Nights

Sock Monkey has been at it again. The theatre that is. Went to see Entertaining Mr Sloane at the Trafalgar Studios. I've never been to this theatre before. From the outside it looks quite modern but once you are in the auditorium its obvious that this is a nice old theatre - its all ornate ceilings and the like. And the obligatory teeny-tiny seats which only the smallest of arses can fit into and nota lota of legroom. A bit like being on EasyJet without the garish orange livery then. Anyway for the princely sum of 20 quid each we got a decent seat and a free beer. Can't say fairer than that - particularly as Andrew doesn't drink beer so I drank his. Nye he he.

So Entertaining Mr Sloane is about a middle aged woman who rents out a room in the house she shares with her elderly father. The father, or 'The Dadda' as he's called in the play, recognises the new tennant, the 20 year old Mr Sloane, as someone he saw kill his old boss. Sloane starts an affair with the landlady, knocking her up in the meantime. Meanwhile the sexually repressed brother takes a fancy to Sloane, employs him as his driver and kits him out in leather trousers, waistcoat and cap. All very Village People. The Dadda confronts Sloane about the killing, and during the resulting argument Sloane gives him a right kicking and he later dies. The brother & sister concoct a story that The Dadda fell down the stairs and in return for them not shopping him to the police Sloane is shared between them pretty much as their toyboy.

I don't think I can be bothered with Joe Orton plays. Although his use of dialogue is sort of whole point of his humor I find it forced and false. Imelda Staunton is very good and The Dadda is also good. I didn't really like Mathew Horne as Sloane though. I don't know if it was the direction or the fact that he's a bit over-rated and flavour of the month (*in my opinion*) but he had no menace about him. Sloane is supposed to be a dark and slightly sinister character but there was none of that edge here. But for 20 quid a ticket (don't forget the free beer) you can't really go wrong. Unless you are sitting between the over-aftershaved blokes we were sitting next to.

The next night I went to see Plague Over England at the Duchess Theatre. I loved it. It recounts the true episode in 1953 when John Gielgud was arrested for 'importuning' in a public toilet. That is - a pretty boy policemen is sent into said bog to wink at blokes and if they take the bait, arrest them. This is a nice ensemble piece, the cast playing several parts each. The story follows Gielgud (Micheal Feast doing a pretty good impression) and his ensuing collywobbles at what has happened. Sub-plots include an affair between an English civil servant and ex American GI, a public schoolboy and the pretty boy policeman with a smattering of Sybil Thorndyke, Binkie Beaumont and bobs your uncle. I did wonder if John Gielgud was as annoying in real life as he appeared to be in this play. What a Drama Queen.

I really enjoyed this play. The only things I didn't enjoy was the utter stench from the stage cigarettes they smoked pretty much non-stop and the fact that, because we were in the 2nd row from the front we could see the actors spitting when they spoke. It was like the episode of Friends where Gary Oldman teaches Joey that to be a good actor you have to spit when you deliver your lines. Even Celia Imrie was at it. She'd never have spat in Acorn Antiques. YUK!

Look at the muck on 'ere!

These trainers used to be white.

You can still see some white bits on them but their predominant colour is now 'Dried South London Mud' . I believe Fired Earth may be considering this colour for their new Spring paint range.

Sock Monkey has spent the last 9 weeks running around Crystal Palace with my personal trainer. There is a lot of mud around here right now. Particularly in the forest. Actually I really like running around the forest in the evening, its quite exciting. Kristian meets me at my flat then we take a brisk walk up the hill to the park then start our run.

My favourite run is from the train station across where the Crystal Palace used to be, past all the broken down statues and sphinxes, there's a gap in the fence there so we nip through (under the shadow of the transmitter tower - we are so close to it its really creepy and spine-tingling), past the caravan park and down the road into the forest. Then we run through the forest, loop back up a long hill, through the park again and finish off back at the train station.

A variation of this is when we run through Dulwich past the college. There's another bloody hill involved in this route too. Then he makes me do circuit. Another route is the perimeter of the park. Last night we ran in the forest and covered 4.5 miles by the time we got back to my flat.

I've been really enjoying this (except a: the night he made me do 60 lunges before making me do a 3 mile run - my legs were jellified before we started running and b: the night it was uphill all the way). Last week he made me do an entire hour of circuit instead of running at all. I did 50 sit-ups that night as well as the other 9 exercises. My favourite bit of the circuit training is the boxing.

Next week is my last session with him. Its been great fun and I feel brilliant. Even after the 6o-Lunge-Episode where I couldn't walk down stairs properly for a week afterwards. Although it cost loads its the best money I've spent in ages (money spent on long haul flights excluded). Apparently my hamstring area is very defined now (will have to take P's word for it as, what with me not having the neck rotation of an owl, I can't see it) and my lower back feels really strong.

Now I just have to keep up the momentum for my sponsored 5k run in June. It would be a massive waste of money, time and effort to get all fit and then sit on my arse watching tv and festering.