New Boots (but not panties)

Look!

Look what Sock Monkey has found!

A betting shop has come up with an ingenious way to get themselves extry publicity by marking the start of the Cheltenham Festival by commissioning what they charmingly call "Horse Hoof Boots".

Retailing at £1,300 - yes that's THIRTEEN HUNDRED QUID - they are a limited edition (well I never) with proceeds going to charity. They also have models clip-clopping around the racecourse grounds wearing said footwear.

They are made out of real horse hair but have pretend hoof. Personally Sock Monkey thinks it would have been far less faff to just saw off the horses legs, scoop out the juice and stick a pair of high heels on them.

I'd wear them. I'd love to get a pair! I used to have a pair of spotted pony skin shoes. Oh I loved those shoes! If I had a pair of Horse Hoof Boots I'd trip-trip-trip around like a Billygoats Gruff or pretend to be Mr Tumnus when I'm at the shops. Unfortunately I cannot have a pair because:

a) Sock Monkey can't walk in high heels. I look like a drag queen. Not a proper drag queen you understand because they can walk in heels. I mean drag a la Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in Some Like it Hot.

b) Sock Monkey has been given strict instructions not to buy a pair. Sternly written. In capital letters.

c) Thirteen hundred quid. Come off it. If I had thirteen hundred quid to chuck away on a pair of boots I'd be going to India on me 'olidays like what I wanted to do

Dirty Chicken

Oh for crying out loud.

Sock Monkey has spotted a new Dirty Chicken shop in my high street. Why on earth would any area need three and a half Dirty Chicken emporiums in a street which is only about 150 metres long??? (NB its three and a half Dirty Chicken shops because one is really a kebab shop but it also deals dirty chicken).

For non-British people (ie The Americans who read this) Dirty Chicken is matter which you would only ever consider eating if you are very, very drunk. It consists of chicken which you just know looked like this one (points right), grease, fried fat and probably some 'special seasoning'. And of course french fries. You can usually get spare ribs too. And apple pie which looks, frankly, dangerous. Drunk people should be prohibited from purchasing something with contents similar to that of a Pop Tart and just as scalding. Burns units up and down the country would no doubt agree with me.

Because drunk people are also stupid people, these places are usually called 'Texas Fried Chicken' or 'Tennessee Fried Chicken' or 'Maryland Fried Chicken' or named after A.N.Other State in America because its almost the same as Kentucky. I would prefer to see them named after their local area. Like 'Penge Fried Chicken' or 'Camden Cock' or something.


And they are always staffed by poor buggers who can't get a job anywhere else and generally can't really speak English very well and have to suffer night after night of drunken abuse from idiots.











However, The 'good' thing about Dirty Chicken is that it has a dual purpose.

Usage number 1: to soak up all the booze you have consumed
Usage number 2: it makes an excellent breakfast! The only thing you want to eat the day after the night before is greasy, calorific crap. And that's the perfect description of Dirty Chicken. Cold chips and deep fried chicken skin. Mmmmmmmm

Unfortunately there is a downside. There is no gain without pain.

Firstly there is the calorific horror which is beer. Combine this with the hideous calorie count of a Jubilee Meal Number 2 or a Chicken & Ribs Special Combo or whatever = big, fat belly. Think a Muffin Top but made out of salmonella-laden fowl.