Three Favourite Performances

I managed to get quite hooked to X Factor this year. I never used to watch it but an ex's flatmate was constantly glued to it and I sort of got sucked in.  

This year all the blokes should have just given up after the first week because the female singers were leagues ahead of them.  Here are my three favourite performances:

Ruth Lorenzo singing Purple Rain

Alexandra Burke singing Candyman

Diana Vickers singing Yellow.  I liked everything she sang actually

He's a Very Friendly Lion Called Parsley

I was very fond of Parsley when I was little but I did think Kiki the Frog looked like Gail from Coronation Street and can still see certain similarity to be honest. See here is the evidence:

Windy Miller - OatSo Simple Advert

Ha ha! I found it on uTube.

Windy Miller & Uncle Gruber

I almost wet myself laughing the first time I saw this. My favourite bit is right at the end with Windy fanning his uncle's giblets.

Anti-Social Behaviour

I think drinking Red Bull in public should be added to the list of things you just shouldn't be allowed to do. Particularly on public transport.

On my train this morning was a big, hideous middle-aged woman drinking this stinking foul stuff. She looked like a bull but without the ring through her nose. God knows how the woman whose head she was dangling it above coped. That stuff smells like vomit. Bleurgh!

Above image: The man in the row behind just opened a can of Red Bull with devastating results

We're

ba-ack! And by gum was it was nippy in Belgium.

After a delightful night at Travelodge Kings Cross Royal Scot (really DON'T stay there - read my review on TripAdviser - its a noisy shithole) we got Eurostar to Brussels bright and early Sunday morning as planned. It was quite a comfy journey, the time whizzed past and 2 and a bit hours later we were there.

First thing we did was leave our bags at the train station and head off to the centre. There was a little Christmas Market on there so we browsed, had hot chocolate and went into the Musee de la Ville de Bruxelles just to have a look at this little chap's clothes. As promised in the guidebook, they do actually display his outfits. I particularly liked the Cosmonaut, Elvis and the Mexican Cowboy. But he had all sorts: different national dresses, schoolboy, train driver. Shame that he was all naked again when we saw him.

Then we had our first sample of Belgian food which was more of a mixture of French & Dutch it being croque monsieur and bitterballen (two of my favourite things). P doesn't really care much for bitterballens which means I can eat most of them myself he he. Then after one more wander around the beautiful main square it was back to the station, on the train and an hour later we were in Bruges.

Our hotel was much nicer than the doss house we stayed in on the previous night. Our room overlooked the pretty Japanese Garden. Although the hotel was almost fully booked it was nice and quiet and not too many other guests around. We unpacked and went for a little wander. There's not a whole lot around in this area but we did uncover a really nice little bar which served what looked like lovely food. We intended to come back for dinner on another night but when we did it was closed.

MONDAY

Next morning, on our way into the town centre we stumbled upon the 'Friet Museum'. I said 'No, it can't be' but oh yes it was. It is a museum dedicated to chips/French Fries/Frites - whatever you want to call them this place actually had potatoes displayed in glass cabinets. I mean we couldn't not go in. And we also learned the proper way to make Belgian Frites (double fried don't you know)

The Christmas Market here is a bit lame. They had all the little huts but they mostly had woolens on sale and the others sold nasty food and drinks. Later that night P had a hot chocolate with rum which almost blew her head off. It must have been all rum and no hot chocolate it was truly vile.

We had a look at the Belfry but decided that walking up the tower would most likely kill us and opted to marvel it from the ground. I'm sure the view up there was splendid! Instead we went for lunch where P had her first bucket of Moules Frites and I had Flemish Stew. I can report that both were Yum-mee!

After a few wrong turns we managed to find the Heiligbloed Basiliek (Chapel of Blood) which claims to have a phial of Christ's blood. This is a lovely little church which is tucked away in a corner of a backstreet square. It has the most amazing pulpit in the shape of the globe and is suspended high up on the wall. After that we headed off to the Chocolate Museum. I found this quite dull (not as bad as the Frites Museum though) but I did like looking at all the old chocolate wrappers and packaging. There was a chef on hand to display how to make praline. Belgium is a bit like chocolate aversion therapy because after one day of seeing a chocolate shop literally every 3 yards you can't bear it any longer.

Back at the hotel we decided that it would be just rude to not make use of the facilities so we booked ourselves into the sauna, jacuzzi and steam room. Armed with big fluffy bathrobes and armfuls of towels we unlocked the door and hooray! we were the only people in there. Yay I could skip around naked which is so much more relaxing! An hour and a half later we emerged deep cleaned and totally relaxed.

TUESDAY

We went back into the centre and had another wander around a slightly different area so we could visit Onze Lieve Vrouwerkerk (The Church of Our Lady). I really liked it in there. They had music playing through the speakers which added to the atmosphere. P said it was a Tozet (or however you spell it) which you just sing or play (this one was string music) over and over. Whatever it was I really liked it.

The Groeninge Museum has Hieronymus Bosch's Last Judgement on display and I wanted to see is so off we went. I really liked this museum and saw some wonderful paintings by artists who were new to me and who I'll investigate further.

After lunch we visited St Salvator-kathedraal. It has some truly amazing artwork in there. I found it slightly creepy but P loved it.

That evening we went to Winter Wonderland. P was most eager to go here. I definitely had my doubts. Mainly because it was kept at a constant -6 degrees so that the ice sculptures don't melt. In actual fact it was a nice thing to visit. It was just a big room made from ice which was full of ice sculptures. And there was a bar where we felt it was for the best to drink a shot of vodka from a hollowed out ice cube.

WEDNESDAY

Our last day so it was back to Brussels for us where once again we put our bags in the left luggage and headed off into the town centre for one more wander and lunch. I had oysters for the first time and can report that they are most acceptable and as such have been added to my list of Food I Like.

Some last minute shopping (well it is actually illegal to refuse to bring chocolate back from Belgium isn't it?) and one last drink in a quaint bar on the square it was back on Eurostar for us. The journey was going quite nicely thank you until we stopped at Lille where at least 2 thousand screaming brats embarked all sugared up and hyper after their treat to EuroDisney. Little bastards. I don't think kids actually like Mikey Mouse and all that crap. I know I wasn't that interested when I was a kid. My theory is that parents think that this is something their spawn will like and take them whether they express an interest to go or not. Its just down to Disney's marketing which goes along the lines of 'Children who are deprived of a visit to DisneyLand will grow up to be crack addicts and wife beaters'. Honestly. Just look at the advert.

Anyway we had a v. nice time in Brussels/Bruges. We did loads of stuff but never felt like we were rushing around.

Next stop: BARCELONA New Year's Eve. Yeee-har!

Bruges

Hooray!  Sock Monkey & P are off on a little holiday.  Tomorrow we are going to Bruges. We're staying in a lovely 4* hotel which has a sauna, steam tub & jacuzzi and overlooks one of the canals.

The Christmas Market is on so we'll be wandering through that trying to find nice things to buy. Then we will visit the Markt area and attempt to climb the Belfort (bell tower which has 366 stairs!).  I quite fancy having a look in the Basilica of the Holy Blood the interior of which is described as 'bizarre'. We also plan to visit Engels Klooster which is an English convent. You ring the doorbell and a nun answers and lets you in!  I'm also looking forward to visiting the Groeninge museum which has a collection of paintings by Hieronymus Bosch, including 'The Last Judgement'. I do like Bosch and his weird paintings.

We are going on Eurostar and so have to go to Brussels first.  We have some spare time there so I want to visit the Musee de la Ville de Bruxelles.  Several time a year the Manneken-Pis (the statue of the little peeing boy) is dressed.  Yep they put clothes on him.  In fact they have a dedicated dresser who designs and makes his clothes.  It all started in the 18th century when the statue was stolen and left outside a brothel.  Louis XV apologised and offered the statue an outfit to make up for his embarrassment. So his first outfit was a gold brocade suit.  Henceforth the little statue was presented with costumes 4 times a year and so far he has accumulated 784 different outfits.  These include an Elvis Style jumpsuit and a Cosmonaut's space suit. Nowadays he gets a new outfit roughly every month. Anyone can propose a costume and each proposal goes before a committee. Once accepted the little statue is dressed at a formal ceremony where he turns his pee into wine.  How on earth could I miss this!

And of course I have to bring back some Belgian food.

I shall give you a full report on my return!

Catch Up Time

I know, I know.  I've been a very bad little monkey in the updating the blog area.  But Sock Monkey has been soooo busy!  Sock Monkey is never in and doesn't want to update at work in case I-Know-Who sees me (this tune follows her around: da da da DAAAAAAA!).

So I have written all about what I have been doing for months but have written it in little bite sized chunks.  So you don't have to read a 40 page post.

What a considerate little Sock Monkey! :)

The Undesirables Have Gone!

They have been evicted, they have been evicted (sung to the conga tune).

Got home the other night and both Mr & Mrs Undersirable had their front door open (as opposed to it hanging off its hinges) and were rummaging around in carrier bags.  This, however isn't unusual.

But I have discovered that these were no ordinary carrier bags.  Woah no.  These must have been their suitcases!  For the very next evening I arrived back at Sock Monkey Mansions to discover their keyhole taped up and an eviction notice taped to their front door.  They have 14 days to make arrangements to pick up anything they have left then they are vaporized.  Or something. Probably move into some other poor buggers' block.

I think it may have been Mr Undersirable leaving the gas on and passing out/going out or whatever he did.  The Authorities frown upon people blowing up entire blocks of flats.

Bye now! *waves*

La Damnation de Faust

P's birthday present to me was tickets to see Berlioz's 'La Danmation de Faust' at the IMAX.  It was being staged at the Met Opera Hose in New York and transmitted live to London.  The thing that made it extra specially exciting for me, though was that Robert Lepage had staged it.  And as I have said before, he is my favourite theatre director.

The sound system in the IMAX is amazing and that, coupled with the big screen made me imagine that this would be almost as good as seeing the opera live.  I had tried to get tickets for the showing at the Barbican but they had sold out but the IMAX would be much better due to this fantastic sound system.

Lepage has used interactive film as part of the staging.  The performers can trigger different pieces of footage to be projected onto the scenery with their movements and voices.  So although the actual set is on 4 levels and simply looks like 4 large open cubes, 4 rows high we have footage of people sinking into deep water, a cathedral's stained glass windows, horses galloping and grass blowing in the wind to mention just some.  I was so excited to see what he had done.

The show stared off with an introduction to the opera by Susan Graham who sang the part of Marguerite.  She was fantastic. Beautiful voice.  Then we saw the conductor, James Levine walking to the pit. Everyone actually did refer to him as Maestro!  Why do music (as opposed to bus) conductors and mad scientists always have hair like Albert Einstein's?  Simon Rattle?  I rest my case.  Lights down, audience hushed, conductor taps his baton and here we go! 

5 Minutes into the opera we knew we were going to be sorely disappointed.  Whoever directed the camerawork is one truly amateurish director.  The camera zoomed into the singer's faces.  It was so close we could see if they had fillings or not.  And we could see every tiny bead of sweat on their faces.  When the camera wasn't zooming right in and cutting every single other part of the stage out it was panning left, right, up, down! A 4 year old could have done better.

Because we could not see the whole stage we could not see how it worked properly.  We missed a lot of the video effects and completely missed the grandeur of so many singers, dancers and acrobats on stage.  What a missed opportunity!  It must have been phenomonal to see it live on stage and not through someone else's eyes.  The camera work gave you the effect of looking at the stage through a telescope.

I loved John Relyea as Mephistopheles.  Is it bad to say you loved someone's interpretation of the Devil I wonder? Did like his red outfit. And a special mention for Marcello Giordani who played Faust.  Although we started watching the opera at 6pm in London this was actually a matinee performance in New York.  Marcello stood in for an ill performer to play the part of Pinkerton in the evening performance of Madame Butterfly.

I do hope the Met manage to sort out the transmission of their operas. Its a brilliant idea and there are several more in this season but based on Saturdays filming and the very negative comments coming from the audience in London not many tickets will be sold here.  Robert Lepage was apparently watching a live transmission in Los Angeles on Saturday.  I wonder what he made of it?

I Have Become What Age??

Harrumph.  Sock Monkey is, like Queen Victoria, not amused!  Next thing I'll be picking up my bloody pension.  Oh actually, no I won't.  We don't get pensions any more.  I'll be raking through bins scravanging for food. 

In order to mark the momentous occasion of Sock Monkey turning another year older but not much wiser some friends and I went out for Sunday Lunch at a nice new place in Crystal Palace which I'd been keen to try out.  And I wasn't disappointed.  My Mr Piggy Pork was just delicious.  

And there were gifts!  Which softened the blow.  My favourite, though, had to be the notebook with a red cover and picture of Chairman Mao on the front.  It matches my watch. I like to ask "what time is it?" and reply to myself  "I don't know lets ask The Chairman". He waves his arm in time to the second hand. Like the one above but mine has a red face.

Theare Complicite - A Disappearing Number

We went to see this at the Barbican recently. I had never seen Theatre Complicite before but have always wanted to. This show won loads of awards last year and I was also interested because Nitin Sawhney wrote the original music.

It is basically the story of a man who meets a woman who he marries. This is it in a nutshell. However its a lot more interesting and complicated than that. The woman is a mathematician and in the background of this story is the story of two emminant mathematicians from the past: GH Hardy and Sirinivasa Ramanujan and their work at Cambridge University around the time of the First World War. Ramanujan had written to Hardy who in turn invited him to come from India to work with him.

The play goes backwards and forwards in time and tells their stories and the story of the man and his wife which is inter-weaved when she travels to India to see where Ramanujan lived and worked.

It does get a bit complicated in parts but I did lean something about maths. Here goes:

1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 ...∞ (ie to infinity) = minus 1/12th.

Apparently.

Spy Monkey - 'Cooped'

Didn't tell you about this either. After I saw them in Miss Behave's Variety Nighty at the Roundhouse I thought SpyMonkey's new show 'Cooped' would be good. But I was slightly disappointed.

It was billed as Mills & Boon rewritten by Monty Python. (I hate Monty Python to be honest). Anyway so we went trip-trip-trip billygoats gruff to see Cooped at the Leicester Square Theatre. This clip actually makes it seem less good than it was. It is certainly very piss taking and surreal. But they all insisted in taking their clothes off again!

I overheard this in the loo after the show:

Girl One: "Really horrible willies"

Girl Two: "Oh yeah!"

It was an enjoyable night - I do like this theatre - and parts of the show were very funny. But it wasn't as good as the little snippet they did at Miss Behave's show accompanied by the tune 'Di Gue Ding Ding' Naturally I do have this piece of music at home and dance around to it. Often.

-Do I win the prize for the most links in one post?

The Kransky Sisters - Three Bags Full

I never got round to telling you what they were like.  Sock Monkey liked them v. much. 

A new sister has joined them.  According to their website:

"Due to the mysterious disappearance of tuba playing Arva Kransky, who was last seen exchanging sheet music with a member of the Hornbell Military Marching Band, the Kransky Sisters have enlisted the assistance of their rarely visited, reclusive sister, Dawn Kransky, who has taken leave of her job as a trolley librarian as the Esk Hospital to be with her sisters.

"Both Dawn and Arva Kransky studied the Tuba at Tafe Toowoomba.  On her return Dawn moved into a neighbour's laundry after discovering that her three sisters had commandeered the house.  Dawn has rarely performed before an audience aside from the early years when her sisters would play together as children at the Esk fairs while their mother sold among other things tasty fudge."

I would have liked to have seen them perform 'Overload' live, even if they don't know the ending of the song and it just stops abruptly.  Dawn tripped of the cable and unplugged the wireless so they never heard the end of the song. Even though they didn't play it they were most amusing anyway and I would definitely see them again. And their tambourine playing is second to none!  I got their autographs and Andrew partook of one of their tea towels from their tea towel signing session after the show.

Here they are singing Pretty Woman   

And Another Thing About Crystal Palace

Morning.

I was out with two of my nice friends last night. They usually read Sock Monkey. C said that my post about Crystal Palace sounded like I had been taking crack. So I will add a few things about the area that I forgot to mention:

I often see Bambi and Thumper skipping up Anerley Hill. There's a Unicorn at the bottom of my garden. The Bluebirds on my shoulder can sometimes be a problem, though.

I Love Crystal Palace!

Sock Monkey moved to Crystal Palace just over 2 years ago and Sock Monkey LOVES it here!

When I went to Tesco yesterday the girl who always ends up serving me saw me in the aisle and said, "Hello Madam. How are you today?"

Every time I walk past the chip shop the man waves at me gives a big grin, waves and shouts, "Hi! How are you?"

I bought my washing machine from 'Mike's Cookers' and ever since when I walk past they also shout 'Hi. How are you!"

The lady at the chemist is lovely. she is always hoovering the place when I go in. Her daughter works there, too. She is a right laugh.

The local pizza takeaway had to closed for ages and whilst they were doing it up I always asked the owner how he was doing. Now that they have opened he always says hello when I walk past. They do the BEST pizzas ever!

I just went to the local shop to get bin bags, Brillo pads & cigarettes. The man said "That's Eight Pounds Eighty-Three. Give me Eight Pounds". One time I forgot my purse and the nice man said, "Just pay me the next time you are in."

I feel like I sorta know everyone round here and feel so at home.

People who don't live in London seem to think it is a really unfriendly, anonymous place but in reality its just a whole lot of little places all sellotaped together and when you live in one area for any length of time you get to know all the locals.

I like living here and am so glad I decided to buy my flat in this area. And I do like my neighbours (well except for 'The Undesirables' across the hall!).

Happy Halloween

So its 31 October.

I told my friend that I was going to get myself a great big bucket of dead mice and if any children came round I'd give them a trick.   *snigger*   I hate kids.

She said I should dip them in chocolate and then it would be both a trick and a treat.

So a bit like a Kinder Surprise.  Without the toy.  

Happy Halloween!

Separated at Birth

That twerp from AC/DC.......aaaand Little Jimmy Krankie

Fandabidozi!!

I'm Seeing This Next Week

The Kransky Sisters

Have a look at them on UTube. They scary

Can't wait!

How to Make Carrot & Coriander Soup

• Get hold of a bloody big pan.  The biggest one you own.
  
• Finely chop a couple of onions & garlic and saute them
  
• Roughly chop a pile of carrots which  you stole from Bugs Bunny
  
• Rummage around in the fridge to locate the half dead celery which you bought last week to make chicken stock with. Roughly chop this up
• Chuck about 2 pints of water and a bouquet garnet into the pan with some salt, pepper and ground coriander from your 'Curry Making Ingredients' box, along with a bit of roughly chopped fresh coriander
• Chuck everything else in there
• Boil like buggery then simmer for as long as your gas bill will allow
• Wait till it cools down
• Pour some cream in there and the rest of the fresh coriander and pulverise it with a blender 

Voila! Sock Monkey Mansions fresh soup.

Bon Appetite! 

Lehman Brothers Go Tits Up

Shame really, all those investment bankers losing their jobs. I feel more sorry for the staff who weren't on sickeningly high salaries.

But to look on the bright side, the Jubilee Line is gonna be a lot quieter and you'll be able to get a seat in a bar in Canary Wharf now that they won't be full of b(w)ankers.

Long Haul Theatre

Well Sock Monkey & Mrs P went to the theatre on Sunday. The show started at 1pm and ended at 10pm!!!! Good Lord you can fly to America in less time.

We went to see Lipsynch by Robert Lepage who is a GENIUS theatre director. I've seen a couple of his productions before: Tectonic Plates, Polygraph, The Seven Streams of the River Ota. It is very difficult to describe what he does but it is very special and very visual.

Anyway Lipsinch follows the story of 9 characters over 70 years. The stories all interweave and culminate in a very sad story. From the young mother who dies with her baby in her arms to the opera singer who adopted him, to her neurosurgeon husband and the woman he operates on, to his patient and her schitzophrenic sister, the elderly speech therapist who helped the opera singer when she was a child, the home help who cooked and cleaned for the elderly woman, the brother who sexually abused the home help when she was a child, the pimp who provided girls for him, the pimp's contact in Nicaragua who sold his niece to him, the journalist who rescued her, and finally to the baby she left behind when she died. P was actually crying at the end. Beautiful opera, dialogue spoken in English, French, Spanish and German coupled with first class acting.

Both the audience and the theatre group went through a huge journey together. 9 hours and it was something very special.

Robert Lepage really is a genius. You can't go see it at the Barbican though. We went on the last night of the UK premier. Bad luck!

Dorian Grey

Greetings from Sock Monkey Mansions! Well I've had a nice evening. Sock Monkey's very good friend S and I went to Saddler's Wells to see Mr Bourne's new production: Dorian Grey.

My goodness I have never seen so many buff young people prancing around in their undergarments! Sam liked the young men whilst, naturally, Sock Monkey preferred the young ladies. Actually there was an older lady who Sock Monkey wouldn't kick out of bed in the morning. Miss Whiplash looking!

Actually it was v v good. I do love Matthew Bourne. Go see it. Very good and I am most impressed by the stage manager and stage hands who worked bloody hard.

Copycats!

Sock Monkey is disgusted.
Sock Monkey is appalled.
Sock Monkey shall be writing a stern letter to The Guardian.

For years Sock Monkey has been compiling a list called 'Stupid Book Titles' (see earlier posts). Gems such as 'Mammals of Luxembourg', 'How to Shit Around the World' , 'Bicarbonate of Soda: A Versatile and Natural Substance' and Uniform Retail Meat Identity Standards' appear on said list.

Then, last Saturday Sock Monkey opened up The Guardian Magazine and there it was in CMYK glory! The Guardian had printed an article about stupid book titles! They had obviously been reading my blogs and stole my idea! Admittedly they included different titles to mine (eg 'Fancy Coffins You Can Make Yourself') but nevertheless how rude of them!

Two New Things I have Learned

These hats are made of Canadian Black Bear.  It takes a whole bear just to make one hat!

And I'd like to know what they do with the leftovers:  its claws, teeth, ears & tail!!

And the Second thing I have learned is that every 2 weeks Battersea Dogs & Cats Home have a 'Death Day' when all the animals who aren't likely to be rehoused are put down.

The Undesirables Have Arrived oh joy

Some simply charming people have moved in across the hall from me.

This is a really quiet building (apart from the woman who stomps down the stairs at 7.30 every morning, wearing what appear to be horse's shoes then almost takes the front door of its hinges when she slams it shut).  Or at least it used to be until The Undesirables moved in recently.

Now I was actually sound asleep but P reported to me that one night Mr Undesirable was having a massive argument with Mrs Undesirable and was storming around the communal area shouting and swearing  (NB right outside my front door) in the middle of the night.  He was slamming doors so violently that all my windows and doors were shaking.  P described him as a 'Scary Big Fucker'. The next time I saw Mrs Undesirable she was nailing the door frame back on.

At 1.30am last Thursday morning I was rudely awoken by shouting and large scuffling noises coming from the hall. I got up and had a look through the spyhole in my front door and saw Mr Undesirable lying prone, handcuffed and being restrained by 2 police officers who were asking him to calm down.  He meanwhile was charmingly responding with 'I ain't done anything. Get your knee out of my back, She's an internet whore she'll be on the internet now, she's been in a mental institution, take me to court!'  This went on for half an hour.

Which was lovely.

The only thing between me and him was 2 inches of front door.

Then he passed out.  The police waited for 2 of their colleagues to help carry him out of the building.

Yesterday evening (after I had made damn sure I had the local police station number in my phone) I heard him and one of his delightful friends come into the building.  They were both pissed and each had a carrier bag full of more booze. During the 15 minutes it took them to manage to open the door they had the following conversation:

I hate this fucking dump [hmm I would like to point out that it was perfectly fine before you moved in], I hate this fucking country am going to leave [here's your hat where's your hurry], him next door gives us no help [hardly surprising], he doesn't understand alcoholics [shame on him!], blah blah blah de blah.

Lovely.  At the moment I am reading a book called 'Stuart a Life Backwards' which is the story of Stuart who was a homeless, drug addicted alcoholic.  Its like having him live next door except Stuart seemed 100% more pleasant. 

The freeholder has been informed so things should now become quite interesting...

Catch Up Time

Its been so long since I posted anything on here I had to have a long think to remember what my password is!

So what's been happening around Sock Monkey Mansions?  

Well Sock Monkey managed to leave 2 jobs in 2 consecutive days.  I had been working part-time for 2 companies and I left one on the Tuesday and the other on the Wednesday.  Two leaving do's in 2 days ha ha.  Actually the first one was really lovely as I had only worked there since January and everyone came out for drinks and they gave me a bottle of champagne and 50 quid's worth of gift vouchers which was really generous. 

Went to see Miss Behave's Variety Nighty which was absolutely fantastic.  I have never seen a woman swallow a metal table leg before, the table holding a wine glass & bottle at the time just for good measure.  Spy Monkey was my favourite act.  I did like their first piece where a woman would swallow various things only to have them reappear from her nether regions (eg she drinks 'washing up liquid' and bubbles appear from her, ahem down belows).  There was also this amazing woman who performed a wonderful acrobatic routine whilst gracefully dangling from 2 trailing sheets of silky fabric.  

I'd have definitely gone to see it all again but I went up to Scotland where my sister and I carried out the following activities:

cake baking, muffin making, a cheese sauce making master-class (I can now make cheese sauce which isn't horrible), expensive bra-buying, luncheoning, a visit to an auction to check up what kind of prices we could achieve for the rest of Mum's stuff which we need to sell, luncheoning again, oh lets just have a glass of wine, a visit to the Royal College of Surgeons museum to look at all the medical stuff (the one in London is a lot better - more unidentifiable things even though, disappointingly, they have hidden their pickled siamese twins) and a visit to the Edinburgh Festival to see Nina Conti and her extremely potty-mouthed monkey.

I spent a bloody fortune up there! However most of this expense came approximately 2 minutes after my arrival at Edinburgh Airport where I bought a MacBook.  I love my MacBook! PCs suck- macs rule yay!

Then I had another few days off before starting my new job.  This is an actual real job and not like the toy jobs I have been doing for the last year.  I was a bit apprehensive after the last time I started a full-time job at Fucking Bastard Publishing where I was dumped in a corner, given fuck all training and no support from my manager who then described my leave when my Mum died as 'holiday'.  However this place is the exact opposite.  They had worked out who would train me in doing what over the course of the first week and have been very friendly and supportive and patient with all my questions. The Summer Party is next week. Two friends from a previous job also work there so that's nice too.  

My friend left one of my previous companies after 26 years and they threw her a huge party.  It was great to see so many people from years ago. There was a big turn-out and it was a really fun evening although I doubt she made it to her tennis match for 10am the following morning!

So its been all change round at Sock Monkey Mansions.  And am going for a nice picnic later on today. 

We Looked Beautiful

Hannibal Murphy

above is what I wore

On Saturday a party was thrown in honour of Lynn's **th birthday. The theme was 'Dress as Something Beginning with 'L'". So after much deliberation (Pauline: 'Labrador!' 'Lizard!!) we plumped for 'Lunatic' (me) and Hannibal Lecter (her). I had originally decided to dress as Bertie Bassett as he is a licorice Allsort but decided that this would be a) too tricky and b) too hot.

I wore a straitjacket, pyjama-type trousers and a LOT of hideous facepaint, Pauline wore a fetching boiler suit and the mask above. The taxi driver laughed when he saw us - what do you think we'd walk the streets of Winchester like that?? Jan dressed as Lara Croft, Lynn was a Lady Who Lunches and I spotted Garry & Maurice in fuzzy coloured wigs and announced they were Lemon & Lime. Sadly there are no pictures of us at said event. We didn't actually stay that long as I became too full of gin and deserved a good kicking.

We did stay in a lovely hotel: The Gifford House Hotel. I've stayed there before and it really is lovely with loads of antiques everywhere and a fantastic breakfast. They only had 1 room left so we had to stay in the DeLuxe room. We had 2 bathrooms and the biggest bed I think I have ever seen. It must have been 7 feet wide and P said she still had no room as I had sprawled all over it. As usual.

Next day we braved the pissing rain and visited Winchester Cathedral. P bought me a lovely new cost - well when I say 'coat' I really mean a transparent plastic poncho which no, I didn't feel at all stupid wearing. Actually I didn't care. At least I wasn't soaked to the bone.

TicketsTicketsTickets

Sock Monkey has been very busy buying theatre tickets.

After my huge disappointment about completely missing the fact that the B52's were in London and by the time I noticed it had sold out, Sock Monkey went on a bit of a ticket buying binge yesterday.

So here's what I'll be seeing:

P & I already had tickets for Miss Behave's Variety Nighty at the Roundhouse. I am v excited about this. For a start she looks completely barmy and also does sword swallowing (in a recent interview she said that when she started she accidently shoved the sword in all wrong and had internal bleeding). She really swallows swords! There a variety of guests performing with her, such as Lucifire (who I missed at Latitude last year) and Kali Hula Girl
I love things like this so I can hardly wait.

I had already booked tickets to see Matthew Bourne's new production, 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' at Sadler's Wells. Have seen his version of The Nutcracker, the all male Swan Lake and The Car Man which were all great so I have high expectations of this.

Then yesterday I was most excited to discover that Robert Lepage has a new show on at the Barbican. Robert Lepage is a bloody genious. I first saw his play 'Tectonic Plates' at the Tramway in Glasgow in 1990 and had never seen anything like it in my life. Then I saw 'Polygraph' and finally 'The Seven Streams of the River Ota' . He made 'Polygraph' into a film but I enjoyed the stage show much more as it just seemed a whole lot more clever.

His new show is called 'Lipsynch' and according to the Barbican website:

"This latest ensemble work... is an epic panorama linking nine lives spanning seven decades, and spinning stories that are surprising, funny and moving.

"As we are taken on a nine-hour journey, we stop off between war-torn Vienna, pre-revolutionary Nicaragua and present day London, encountering people who have lost the power of speech and people for whom speech is the only lifeline.

"A dubbing studio to the world of vocal forensics, Lipsynch follows a cluster of interwoven destinies, where each voice is searching for its own identity."

"As we are taken on a nine-hour journey" - yep it is 9 earth hours long (including 4 intervals and a meal break). We'll need to wear flight stockings to ward off DVT and take a packed lunch.

Then, I bought some tickets to see Camera Obscura again. They are playing in September and they were so good when we saw them last week that I can't wait for this either.


Now Sock Monkey is not entirely certain that I'll be able to get to this show but for goodness sake Martha Reeves and the Vandellas are playing at the Jazz Cafe in a couple of weeks! Followed by a Northern Soul Club Night. I mean - Good Lord you can't miss this. Unfortunately P will be Edinburgh Festivalling, Sam shall be spending the day clay pigeon shooting (as you do - not sure she should be allowed near any firearms...) and I can't think of anyone else who would be remotely interested in coming so I'll just need to perambulate up to North London and dance like a twat on me own.

Before I start my proper job I have 2 weeks off so am going up to Scotland to visit my sister & brother-in-law. They live on a smallholding and have horses, a pony an alsation and mud. Much mud. When I went last year it took approximately 5 minutes from stepping out of my sister's car to being splattered with mud. Then she made me dig potatoes. I sawed logs as well but was absolutely crap at it. Don't have the farmer's wife biceps.

This year I have insisted that we go to Surgeon's Hall Museum in Edinburgh. We didn't have time last year and I neeeeed to see the medical specimens. Sock Monkey has been to The Royal College of Surgeons Medical Museum in London a couple of times and loved it but was extremely disappointed to find on my last visit that the Siamese Twins in a jar had been removed!

I have also instructed my sister to plan lots of activities and to please make me a madeira cake. Last year was great fun so I'm looking forward to spending 5 days in the countryside again with my big sis.

Have in the last few weeks been to my first Hen Night (hideous evidence here), been to a wedding party (congratulations Lisa & Dave), been to see Jonny Woo at the Soho Theatre, met Andrew last Sunday and had a very nice afternoon thank you (spent the time mainly mocking people), it is Lynn's birthday party next weekend. Fancy dress. The theme is dress as something beginning with 'L'. There is luncheon of Dim Sum planned with The Girls (before Mable has her baby and won't be able to go out again for about 20 years)

So all in all it looks like a busy and great fun Summer for Sock Monkey. Probably a rather expensive one too!

Then we have to decide on a destination for New Year. P fancies Madrid, I am erring towards Barcelona...

Food Dangers

Following on from "Rather Unfortunate Lamb Shank Injury"
and the 'Cannelloni Injury", Sock Monkey has sustained yet another tomato-based food injury.

After making a huge steaming vat of bolognaise sauce last night, Sock Monkey attempted to pour some of it into a bowl. However, Sock Monkey's pans are bloody heavy. They are made out of copper & steel and weigh a tonne even when they are empty. So holding the pan with one hand whist trying to ladle the molten larva tomato & beef concoction with the other was a bit difficult and, after much wobbly-ness of hand, a huge dollop of it splattered down the kitchen cupboard and all over my foot. My bare foot. Ooch indeed.

I couldn't be arsed to run my paw under the tap for God-knows how long so I just wrapped a tea towel dripping with cold water around my injury and hobbled off to sit down and scoff my dinner and watch a documentary.

I did look a bit like a someone suffering from trench foot or something but at least, for once, I didn't burn the inside of my mouth to smithereens as well. Like I usually do. I find pizzas can be particularly dangerous.

There is nothing I can add about the title of this book...

Camera Obscura

Sock Monkey and P went to see Camera Obscura last Thursday at King's College Student's Union and my they were good.

I only discovered them about 3 years ago but they have become one of my most favourite bands in that short time. They don't play in the UK very often so I was particularly pleased to get to see them. Its the first time I have been in a student union bar since 1993 when I was a student and I must say the price of subsidised beer isn't as cheap as it used to be! Also it is a bugger to find. Please note KCLSU your website is worse than useless for getting directions from.

We arrived as the first support band were on. They were pretty good and were entertaining to watch. The second support band weren't so great. I have no idea the name of either of these bands! It is nice to see a band in a small venue like this rather than something like Wembley or O2 which are just too bloomin' big, expensive and a pain to get home from.

Then hooray! on came Camera Obscura who were simply in a different league. They played quite a few tracks from their most recent album 'Let's get Out of This Country' including a firm favourite of mine: 'Lloyd, I'm Ready to be Heartbroken' and 'Come Back Margaret'.

In fact, they managed to cram a lot into their alotted hour, even given that TracyAnne was most embarrassed at having to take valuable time out to tune one of her guitars.

Camera Obscura are fantastic musicians and TracyAnne has a fabulous voice. You can tell from their polished and professional performance that they have been together for 10 years. The only disappointment was that they didn't play my very besty-fave song of theirs, 'Suspended From Class' from their second album 'Underachievers Please try Harder' but I am planning to see them at A Fist Full of Fandango in September so hopefully they'll play it then.

And I do like their album covers. 'Underachievers Please Try Harder' above is one of my all time favourites.

More Stupid Pubilshing Things

Further to my occasional series 'Books with Stupid Titles' I have decided to have another occasional series entitled 'Idiot Printers'. (and I have one particular printer in mind at the moment as well).

This is the more or less exact wording of an enclosure note I received in a parcel today (obviously my real name isn't Sock Monkey):

"Dear Sock Monkey

Please kindly find the enclosed thing for your reference

Regards,
Stupid Printer

'Thing'?? Why thank you. That was most helpful and informative.

I suppose I should be glad they actually bothered to put a letter in the parcel at all - they normally just send stuff and not bother to say what it is or what it is for.

And you should see the emails we get. The Engish is so bad I assumed it was from a Chinese person. But oh no she is English, based in the UK.

Back in the Land of Proper Employment

Sock Monkey has only gone and got a proper job! I won't know what has hit me come 20 August when I start.

For the last year Sock Monkey has been working freelance and having a very nice time, thank you very much. I have been skipping from job to job, where people are so glad to see an extra pair of hands that they treat you like royalty (well except for C&B but they are horrid to everyone), you get paid handsomly and in all of the jobs I've had this past year I've had next to nothing to do. In one of them I constantly ran out of things to Google. There's now nothing I don't know about Margaret Rutherford or Hattie Jacques thanks to having 8 hours a day at a computer and next to nothing to do after about 10am every morning.

Its been like a little holiday-ette. With pay.

Now I've joined the real world again. Proper job, 5 days per week, back to production meetings and office politics. And all for a really rubbish salary! Hooray for publishing!

However, my new employer seems very nice, it had a great atmosphere and we do nice books. And the location is easy for me to get to. The only downside is that I am going to be extremely skint and may possibly have to become a freegan in order to eat (that is rummage through bins looking for scraps). But you can't have everything!

The Day of the Triffids

So its about 8.40 on Sunday morning and I'm sitting having a cup of tea, watching the news when all of a sudden my tv turns itself off. Bugger! I went to the fuse box to see if something had tripped the fuse but no, everything was working. So I tried the lights. Nope they didn't work, my landline and broadband were also off and my hi fi had no power either. Bollocks must be a power cut.

Had a look at the electricity meter which, please note, was still spinning round like a bastard clocking up Ohms or units of whatever the hell they bill you in.

Well at least I have the radio which is battery operated. But that didn't work either! I couldn't get BBC London. What on earth?? Is this some sort of force field over Crystal Palace?

*sigh* might as well have a shower now. Water is stone cold because my boiler was off too. Thank goodness I don't have an electric kettle. Mine sits on the hob (gas) so I boiled a kettle of water and had a bird bath in the sink.

So I then go trip-trip-trip billygoats gruff up to the train station and all the traffic lights were out, the shops had no lights, the train station couldn't sell any tickets because the machines didn't work and there were neither announcements nor information on screen. It was really weird having no electricity. Apparently the power cut made the BBC go all scew whiff as well which is why the radio didn't work either.

It reminded me of The Day of the Triffids where nothing works after the alien plants have landed. But thankfully we weren't all blinded by an asteroid shower.

Rabbits

The other day I saw another person walking through Victoria Station with a rabbit on a lead. What is this all about??

OK I am going to stop looking for unusual things

Right this one tops the weird list. Its even stranger than the man-with-a-rabbit-on-a-lead.

So Saturday P & I go to Canary Wharf to see the Jack the Ripper Exhibition (which by the way isn't that great). I spot a perfectly normal looking bloke in the tube station - well dressed, briefcase, presentable. However, (you knew there was going to be a 'but' or 'however' didn't you) he was sporting the most unusual headgear I have ever seen.

Imagine, if you will, 4 gold pencils laid out so they form the outline of a square. Then imagine one gold pencil standing vertically from each corner of the square. Then move the topmost points of the upright pencils together so that their points meet together to form a pyramid.

This is what he had on his head.

I wanted to follow him to see where on earth he was going. Some weirdos convention probably. I bet it had something to do with Scientology.

And Another Thing...

This morning at 8.30am I spotted a woman walking down the road in her pyjamas.

I am so bored. Am at work and have had absolutely NOTHING to do since about 10.30am. I could either cry with boredom or fall asleep. I mean how can you run out of things to Google??? There is now nothing I don't know about Margaret Rutherford or Hattie Jacques.

Hardly surprising, then, that I was made redundant from 'My Toy Job' last week.

More Things I Have Seen

Yesterday I saw a dog who needed a haircut. Its paw-fur was so long that it looked like The Cat on the Hat. Without the hat.

Today I saw a man with a huuuuuge handlebar moustache.

Strange Things I Have Seen This Week

Sock Monkey has seen some unique things this week.

1. A man walking through Victoria Train Station with a rabbit on a lead
2. A pigeon inside a tube train
3. A man with 2 index fingers on his right hand

I will keep my eyes peeled for the rest of the week

How Much Money Can We spend?

Bank Holiday last weekend was rather expensive round at Sock Monkey Mansions. I have to stop spending money!

Friday evening I met P in Camden, had a couple of drinks then had dinner and I schlepped off back to South London.

Saturday it was an early start as I had an appointment at the seaside with my nephew, sister and brother-in-law. We went to Whitstable which is really quite lovely. After our picnic we went and looked at the bookshops, toyshops (George my nephew is only three and a half) and had ice cream. I couldn't find my sunglasses so had to buy a pair there. They were the same colour as George's and he kept looking up at me and saying "Aunty Mandy we match!"

Sunday I basically sat on my nether regions doing not a lot.

Monday I met P at lunch time. This was a v expensive day. We checked into our hotel. Extremely nice 5* actually IN Leicester Square. Then we went and had lunch and did some shopping. Then we went back to the hotel for a little nap followed by a shower. By then it was time to go off to the Royal Opera House to see the Royal Ballet performing Sleeping Beauty. I hadn't seen classical ballet for years and years. Actually, I sort of fell asleep in the 3rd act...oops. OK then - I did fall asleep but it was dull! Then we had a gentle stroll from Covert Garden back to Leicester Square, via a hot chocolate & croissant establishment and back to our swanky-de-la-posh hotel.

Well if you are going to go on a date push the boat out.

The Weekend at Sock Monkey Mansions

So I had a rather nice weekend.

Friday I met my friend Angela for a couple of drinks in out usual haunt in Balham. hadn't seen her in months so it was nice to catch up. Even if she was a bit hacked off about a) her house hunting, b) her telephone engineer, c) her car windscreen exploding when she was washing it (lucky escape if you ask me).

Saturday I arranged to meet The Girls Splinter Group for a picnic. We met up at High Street Kensington, bought loads of nice food and proceeded to sit in the park and stuff our faces for the next few hours. I had intended to bring Swingball but as I was going out afterwards thought better of it.

After stuffing my face and gossiping with The Girls I met Andrew. We went for dinner (I must have been on some sort of Eat-a-Thon on Saturday) then we went Trip-Trip-Billygoats-Gruff down to the Soho Theatre to see Dina Martina. We won prizes! Actually you didn't have to do anything other than put your hand up to get a prize. I 'won' some streaky bacon patterned sweets. I'll never eat it - it looks absolutely vile.


Sunday I lay in the garden for approximately 30 minutes, decided it was way too hot for a Sock Monkey and decided to lie my sofa watching tv instead. Wasted day? hell no I also cooked and did laundry (laundry is my WORST hated thing in the world.).

Books With Stupid Titles

Next in my occasional series 'Books with Stupid Titles' I came across this at work today:

"Uniform Retail Meat Identity Standards"

Its like a sort of Meat Recognition Guide and it basically shows pictures of bits of meat, pork chops and what have you. But I suppose they do need here as they are finishing off writing a huge cookery book.

Rats & Fish

I actually posted this on my old blog but thought that you new people would like it too:

Rats in My Room
When Danny Baker presented the breakfast show on BBC London 94.9 he played this track by a lady named Leona Anderson. Dubbed 'The World's Most Horrible Singer' she released an album in 1957 entitled 'Music to Suffer By' but, alas, this is no longer available.
Please enjoy 'Rats in my Room' (click on the icons below). Another of my favourites is entitled 'Fish'

Rats In My Room
Fish