Not Moscow

We didn't go to Moscow. We were supposed to. But we didn't. It was all booked and everything. We were going to stay at the Budapest Hotel which is 500 metres from Red Square. We had a suite because It was only about a fiver a night more than an ordinary room.

But about two or three months before we were due to go I started having a really bad feeling about the trip. The very idea of applying for a VISA filled me with the collywobbles and we put it off and off. I was feeling all "Danger Will Robinson!"


Then, Moscow started to look like like this:




It was covered with dense, acrid smog for weeks! People were fleeing the city and the morgues were getting full up because more people than usual were snuffing it. It was 40 degrees!


Moscow was beginning to look like the exact opposite of a relaxing holiday destination.




This year Sock Monkey and P would not going to be visiting the following:


St Basil's Cathedral

Moscow Metro, The Kremlin, The GUM Store







Space Park featuring Laika (Space Dog Extraordinaire) who is now stuffed and on display.















And we also wouldn't be visiting Statue Park this year. This is where they put all the old statues which were removed when Communism fell. Its like a big Communist Theme Park.







But the one thing I was really looking forward to go to was the Cat Theatre of Moscow

It is a theatre full of performing cats! Click on the link above. I cry with laughter every time I watch it. They have shows such as 'The Cat from Outer Space'.

I had already checked to see if they had a performance that weekend and they did! *claps hands, does a little skip* The first thing I was going to do was go trip-trip-trip-billygoats-gruff down to that theatre and get us some tickets.

The owner, Mr Kuklachev says, "We do not use the word train here because it implies forcing an animal to do something; and you cannot force cats to do anything they don't want to. We merely play with the cats."

Trip canceled, the performing kitties will have to wait until next year for my visit.

So we went to Egypt instead which was also 40 degrees. It wasn't covered in smog but it was full of English chavs and fat, ugly Germans. But when you spend a week with your head under the water looking at the fishies you can ignore them.

My Journey to Work

Sock Monkey has a morning routine. This is because That's What Sock Monkey is Like.

Sock Monkey gets the same train (almost) every morning and has to sit in the same seat. If Sock Monkey doesn't get the same seat an International Incident could occur.

Sock Monkey then reads The Guardian, drinks tea (I take a flask of tea with me for the 23 minute journey to London Bridge. I can't function in the morning until I have drank 2 pints of tea.) and says good morning to the Crystal Palace Dinosaurs.

One morning, whilst I was reading the paper, drinking my tea and had said hello to the dinosaurs I sat and listened to the theme music to "Murder She Said" (the classic film starring Margaret Rutherford as Miss Marple) on my iPod whilst gazing gormelessly out of the window. I can gaze into the middle distance, thinking my 'Special Thoughts' for hours on end.

We were just approaching the recycling dump outside London Bridge when I spotted 3 workmen. They were in their hardhats, high risibility vests and steel toe-capped boots. And they were running towards the train waving in a highly exaggerated way. I burst out laughing and waved back.

Figured they were so bored they thought they would wave at all the passing commuter trains. It was like the Railway Children and I was quite relieved that they weren't also waving a great big pair of red underpants on a stick.

I looked out for them since then but have only seen them do it one more time. Its probably against Health & Safety or something.

What made the whole thing even more surreal is that I had the theme music to Miss Marple playing in my ears.

Did you know that Margaret Rutherford is the ONLY Miss Marple?

This is Sock Money on the way to work.

Stanna Stairlifts

Sock Monkey has a theory.

One day Sock Monkey was discussing Stanna Stairlifts with a colleague and this is when Sock Monkey realised that as well as the stairlifts obviously having to be quality controlled, they must be 'authenticated'.


The Authentication Process involves Dame Thora Hird sitting her bare bottom on each and every chair chair before it leaves the factory.

This is the final stage in the manufacturing process and prior to this the chairs are not stairworthy. Dame Thora's bare bottom is the final Seal of Approval.

Sadly Dame Thora passed away in March 2003 at the age of 91. Since then no stairlift carries her Authentification. Only about 3 people in the whole world know about this.

Peas

Sock Monkey has Food Rules.

Like green beans don't go with steak & chips. Or sandwiches should under no circumstances contain vegetables. Or that olives are the food of the Devil. Or that pizzas originate from Italy and as such should absolutely NEVER have food of any other nationality used as a topping (eg Chinese Chicken). Lasagne should NOT come with chips unless you are on a carb-a-thon.


And Sock Monkey has a rule specifically about peas.

Peas are perfectly permissible but only when served with certain foods. Peas are allowed with the following:

• Shepherd's Pie/Cottage Pie
• Risotto
• Fish Fingers
• Pea Soup
• Fish & Chips but they should be the mushy variety only
• You can have them with a Sunday Roast but only in an emergency

Peas are not allowed with:

• Pork Chops
• Pasta
• Chicken
• Anything cooked on a griddle
• A fry up
  

That's the rules. I didn't make them up. Actually I did.