Ground Control to Major Tom

A grown man has just asked me how to use a microwave!!

I wandered into the kitchen at work (if anything in this world should be described a something-ette its our kitchen at work. Its small-but-not-perfectly-formed) and he is standing there with a bewildered expression on his face. Its not like he was confronted by this (points right):

Nor was it making Starship Enterprise-type noises (although it would be entertaining if it did).

He says, "Sock Monkey could you show me how to use this microwave? I've never used one."

I didn't laugh or make a snort of derision, or gasp or anything. I just showed him how to twist the little knob round to how many minutes you need it to nuke your grub (in this case pizza. microwaved pizza does-not-equal-nice).

And I thought I was a luddite! I wonder if he knows how to use a calculator, or a cash machine or a zip! He's obviously been doing too much colouring in or something.

DustpanNoBrush

Went to sweep the kitchen floor last night and found that I have two dustpans but no brushes. How the hell did that happen?? I had to improvise by using the sqweegie thing that you use to remove the excess water when you wash the windows.

It must be ghosts.

I own two o' them *points left* and none o' them *points right*

Camera Obscura @ The Lexington

How much do I like Camera Obscura? Bloody loads thats how much.

So I went to see them again last night in a pub called The Lexington in Angel. I'd never been there before and I really liked the venue. The gigs are held upstairs and the room only holds 200 people so although we were standing towards the back, near the bar and above the sound desk we had a fantastic view because we were higher than the stage and still only about 20 feet away from it.

They were performing songs from their new album My Maudlin Career (released 21 April - hate the cover a/w). Tracyanne asked "Is everyone as nervous as us?" and went on to say that they hadn't performed the new material before and that people 'get angry' when they do the new stuff and not the old favourites, although I can't actually imagine a Camera Obscura crowd getting angry.


The gig was a mixture of songs from the new album and songs from their previous album 'Lets Get Out of This Country'. Or rather 'new record' as Tracyanne referred to it as.

Because I was standing above the mixing desk I could see the playlist and can almost remember the running order which went something like: 1. My Maudlin Career, 2. Lets Get out of This Country then included French Navy, Honey in the Sun, Swans, James and You Told a Lie from the new album and Lloyd I'm Ready to be Heartbroken, Come Back Margaret and two of my favourites Tears for Affairs and Razzle Dazzle Rose from the last album. But they still didn't play Suspended From Class which is my favourite song of theirs! I'll need to email them which gigs I plan to attend and request it.

Above right: that's her performing last night

During the first two songs the sound engineer hadn't quite got the balances right so everything was turned up loud except the microphone picking up her voice. For about 3 seconds I thought about leaning over, tapping him on the shoulder and politely asking him to sort it arrt. But he did sort it after Tracyanne said that they sounded like they were performing in a goldfish bowl. I wouldn't want to mess with her.

I liked the songs they played from the My Maudlin Career. Sometimes when you hear new stuff you think 'ho hum very nice now play something I know' but they mixed the order of old and new material well. Guitar player Kenny did get a bit ahead of himself when he started playing the wrong song, saying he had jumped one song ahead on the playlist.

They are just really good musicians and Tracyanne writes fantastic lyrics and I love her voice. Visually they aren't the most exciting band to watch and there isn't much chat between songs but to stand and hear them play live is great. So great in fact I'm seeing them again next month. Does that make me a groupie?

Two Plays in Two Nights

Sock Monkey has been at it again. The theatre that is. Went to see Entertaining Mr Sloane at the Trafalgar Studios. I've never been to this theatre before. From the outside it looks quite modern but once you are in the auditorium its obvious that this is a nice old theatre - its all ornate ceilings and the like. And the obligatory teeny-tiny seats which only the smallest of arses can fit into and nota lota of legroom. A bit like being on EasyJet without the garish orange livery then. Anyway for the princely sum of 20 quid each we got a decent seat and a free beer. Can't say fairer than that - particularly as Andrew doesn't drink beer so I drank his. Nye he he.

So Entertaining Mr Sloane is about a middle aged woman who rents out a room in the house she shares with her elderly father. The father, or 'The Dadda' as he's called in the play, recognises the new tennant, the 20 year old Mr Sloane, as someone he saw kill his old boss. Sloane starts an affair with the landlady, knocking her up in the meantime. Meanwhile the sexually repressed brother takes a fancy to Sloane, employs him as his driver and kits him out in leather trousers, waistcoat and cap. All very Village People. The Dadda confronts Sloane about the killing, and during the resulting argument Sloane gives him a right kicking and he later dies. The brother & sister concoct a story that The Dadda fell down the stairs and in return for them not shopping him to the police Sloane is shared between them pretty much as their toyboy.

I don't think I can be bothered with Joe Orton plays. Although his use of dialogue is sort of whole point of his humor I find it forced and false. Imelda Staunton is very good and The Dadda is also good. I didn't really like Mathew Horne as Sloane though. I don't know if it was the direction or the fact that he's a bit over-rated and flavour of the month (*in my opinion*) but he had no menace about him. Sloane is supposed to be a dark and slightly sinister character but there was none of that edge here. But for 20 quid a ticket (don't forget the free beer) you can't really go wrong. Unless you are sitting between the over-aftershaved blokes we were sitting next to.

The next night I went to see Plague Over England at the Duchess Theatre. I loved it. It recounts the true episode in 1953 when John Gielgud was arrested for 'importuning' in a public toilet. That is - a pretty boy policemen is sent into said bog to wink at blokes and if they take the bait, arrest them. This is a nice ensemble piece, the cast playing several parts each. The story follows Gielgud (Micheal Feast doing a pretty good impression) and his ensuing collywobbles at what has happened. Sub-plots include an affair between an English civil servant and ex American GI, a public schoolboy and the pretty boy policeman with a smattering of Sybil Thorndyke, Binkie Beaumont and bobs your uncle. I did wonder if John Gielgud was as annoying in real life as he appeared to be in this play. What a Drama Queen.

I really enjoyed this play. The only things I didn't enjoy was the utter stench from the stage cigarettes they smoked pretty much non-stop and the fact that, because we were in the 2nd row from the front we could see the actors spitting when they spoke. It was like the episode of Friends where Gary Oldman teaches Joey that to be a good actor you have to spit when you deliver your lines. Even Celia Imrie was at it. She'd never have spat in Acorn Antiques. YUK!

Look at the muck on 'ere!

These trainers used to be white.

You can still see some white bits on them but their predominant colour is now 'Dried South London Mud' . I believe Fired Earth may be considering this colour for their new Spring paint range.

Sock Monkey has spent the last 9 weeks running around Crystal Palace with my personal trainer. There is a lot of mud around here right now. Particularly in the forest. Actually I really like running around the forest in the evening, its quite exciting. Kristian meets me at my flat then we take a brisk walk up the hill to the park then start our run.

My favourite run is from the train station across where the Crystal Palace used to be, past all the broken down statues and sphinxes, there's a gap in the fence there so we nip through (under the shadow of the transmitter tower - we are so close to it its really creepy and spine-tingling), past the caravan park and down the road into the forest. Then we run through the forest, loop back up a long hill, through the park again and finish off back at the train station.

A variation of this is when we run through Dulwich past the college. There's another bloody hill involved in this route too. Then he makes me do circuit. Another route is the perimeter of the park. Last night we ran in the forest and covered 4.5 miles by the time we got back to my flat.

I've been really enjoying this (except a: the night he made me do 60 lunges before making me do a 3 mile run - my legs were jellified before we started running and b: the night it was uphill all the way). Last week he made me do an entire hour of circuit instead of running at all. I did 50 sit-ups that night as well as the other 9 exercises. My favourite bit of the circuit training is the boxing.

Next week is my last session with him. Its been great fun and I feel brilliant. Even after the 6o-Lunge-Episode where I couldn't walk down stairs properly for a week afterwards. Although it cost loads its the best money I've spent in ages (money spent on long haul flights excluded). Apparently my hamstring area is very defined now (will have to take P's word for it as, what with me not having the neck rotation of an owl, I can't see it) and my lower back feels really strong.

Now I just have to keep up the momentum for my sponsored 5k run in June. It would be a massive waste of money, time and effort to get all fit and then sit on my arse watching tv and festering.

Eonnagata, Sadlers Wells

When I discovered that this is a collaboration between dancer Sylvie Guillem, choreographer Russell Maliphant and my favourite theatre director Robert Lepage I absolutely had to get tickets.

A cross between dance & theatre it tells the true story of the Chevalier d'Eon, an 18th century French diplomat & spy and master swordsman. He was also a transvestite. Casanova described him as 'une belle femme' and Marie Antoinette lent him her dressmaker. Sent to London to carry out his spying tasks he mixed amongst the great and the good of the English Court. When the spying dried up he eventually fell into financial hardship and resorted to staging exhibition fencing matches against men (he was still dressed as a woman) to earn a living. On his eventual return to France Louis XV only agreed to pay him his pension on the condition that he dressed in woman's clothing for the rest of his life. His true gender was only revealed during his autopsy.

So I was really looking forward to it. But it wasn't actually very good. In fact it was *whisper* a bit boring. It started off very promisingly with Guillam the first to appear on stage, in a beautiful scarlet dress, to deliver the opening lines. Next entered Lepage, resplendent in a dreadful orange wig (he wears the worst wigs but let's not get personal) who performed some pretty impressive moves to convey the mastery of the Chevalier's sword skills. Then Maliphant came on stage and fluffed his lines. To be fair he is a dancer and so isn't used to delivering dialogue. We then knew that this show was going to be a bit half baked.

It was described as halfway between dance and theatre but because of this neither element really worked properly, with all three of the performers venturing into territory which they were not used to performing in. Also, the story didn't gel with either the dance or theatre elements and I was left thinking at the end, 'What was the point of putting this on stage?'

What a shame. Here are three internationally respected, world class performers who collaborate on what sounds like a very exciting project and somehow it just fails to come alive. However, the lighting was something special and some of Alexander McQueen's costumes were stunning.

You can judge for yourself here with a short clip from the show.

"Enjoy the Warm Hospitality and Service at the Hotel Carter"

Sock Monkey has a new obsession: Reading bad reviews of hotels on Trip Adviser. This website has reviews and photographs of millions of hotels from all over the world which are posted by people who have actually stayed in them. Last week they emailed me their 2009 list of The World's Dirtiest Hotels and I just can't stop reading the reviews. Whilst Sock Monkey does enjoy reading the reviews of the Cromwell Crown Hotel in London, I am particularly fascinated (it is a sort of grim fascination admittedly) by the Hotel Carter in New York which is described on one website bookings page as "Enjoy the warm hospitality and service at the Hotel Carter- a unique- inviting departure from traditional hotels in Manhattan."

It certainly is 'a unique departure from traditional hotels' as this place has been voted the Dirtiest Hotel in the whole of America the last 4 years running. Guest reviews tell us about the bedbug infested sheets, dead mice in the rooms, the never-in-this-lifetime vacuumed carpets, filthy bathrooms, crappy service, etc, etc. The evidence is here in over 260 photographs in hideous technicolor - if you dare look. Some of the reviews are entitled as follows: 'Should be Shut Down by the Health Department', 'Most disgusting Place Ever', 'Oh But Bed Bugs DO Bite!', 'Disgustingly Disgusting', 'HorrendousDisgustingYukTerrible', and the completely against the grain: 'I Always Stay at the Carter'.

One of my favourite reviews is:
"The Mouse House
What a hoot! No worry about feeling alone, as the mice running all over will keep you company. This is the kind of place where at any time a pancake makeup-encrusted octogenarian with yellowed teeth, clad in a shabby silk bedcoat and moth-eaten feather boa can be expected to be seen wandering the halls muttering, "Mr DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up" A pig pen (but I did only pay $79.00 bucks, so what could I expect?)."

Someone else said that standing at reception and watching the long line of people queuing up each morning to complain was one of the entertainment highlights of the place.

To be fair the management response to one review was: "Dec 11, 2008 Bedbugs Suck! Yes, much of it is true. We are sorry, and here is what we’re doing about it – We’re locating and aggressively treating all reported rooms. We’re using the latest state-of-the-art (and costly) services including bug sniffing dogs, cryonite (freezing with carbon dioxide) and traditional, safe and legal eradication techniques. Fact is bedbugs are as much of a problem in a 5 Star hotel in New York, and around the world for that matter, as they are at a value-priced hotel like The Carter.
With more people traveling internationally, bedbugs have been getting free trips around the world. It’s not an excuse – it’s just the way it is. Nobody likes bedbugs – I feel itchy just writing this. Please know that we are biting back and getting rid of all uninvited guests. We’re also cleaning like crazy, making repairs all over the place and are doing everything we can to make sure our guests have a safe, comfortable, clean and affordable room when visiting New York and choosing The Carter as their hotel. Bottom line: We can do better. And we will."

But I don't want to read about what they are doing to fix the problem! I want to read the utterly hideous reviews until I cry with laughter. Again. I may actually have to go to New York just to have a look at the Hotel Carter with my bare eyes.

Personally I think the place should be preserved as a sort of 'Hotel-from-Hell Theme Park'.

Notes on Bad Smells and Printing

This morning Sock Monkey received the following text from P:

"Someone had the most disgusting perfume on [when she was on the bus]. Its making me feel very queasy."

Sock Monkey replied "I hate that. In fact its antisocial. Like drinking Red Bull in public [see earlier post regarding Red Bull and my thoughts regarding the drinking of it in public places] . Its making me feel sick just thinking about it. Bleurgh".

P: "lol"

Sock Monkey then went on to say that 'Stinking perfume and Red Bull should come with an ASBO sellotaped to the packet".

P replied with 'lol you are making me laugh."
This is no laughing matter, though! Sock Monkey is now on a mission and declared "I'm off to find my John Bull (how appropriate) Printing Set to run off some warning labels then take a trip to the local stockists [of Red Bull and Eau du Stink]."

But Sock Monkey does not have a John Bull Printing Set! The last time Sock Monkey even laid eyes on said object was circa 1973. And it wasn't even Sock Monkey's own John Bull Printing Set! It belonged to Sock Monkey's brother.

It was so pleasing to put the slugs into the tray and stamp on the inky pad then print your own back-to-front words. It was also pleasing to see your little kiddie fingers covered in ink.

So! In approximately 4 Earth Hours Sock Monkey may well be the proud owner of this:

Then my mission can commence. It will take longer than if I used a computer but will be considerably more fun.

You can find almost anything on Ebay. I say almost anything. What you can't find on eBay is a Hitler Watch. It would be like my Chairman Mao Watch but instead of the Chairman waving it would have Hitler Nazi-Saluting. I know you can't get it on eBay because I have looked. Three times.

Another Nuclear Bunker - Pear Tree House Gipsy Hill

Several Years ago Sock Monkey visited Kelvendon Hatch 'Secret' Nuclear Bunker. I did feel that the sign posts saying "This way to the Secret Nuclear Bunker' and the huge aerial mast directly above it were a bit of a give away though.

Sock Monkey likes to visit slightly unusual places so imagine my *joy* when I discovered that there is a nuclear bunker just up the road from Sock Monkey Mansions! Its called Pear Tree House and its just off Gipsy Hill, on Lunham Road at the junction of Hawke Road.

Round about the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis a new housing estate was planned for a large area in Crystal Palace. This was to become the Central Hill Estate where the bunker is located. Work started on Pear Tree House in 1963 and was completed in 1966.

When I visited Kelvendon Hatch I discovered that each London borough had to have their own Bat Cave (Civil Defence Centre) if central government was blown up or vaporised or something and I knew that there was one in Norwood because I saw a big red pin sticking in a map to show the rough spot.

On Saturday we went trip-trip-trip billygoats gruff up The Bloody Great Hill, walked along a very nice street thank you very much then all of a sudden found ourselves at the outskirts of a God- forsaken looking housing estate. That's the thing about London - one minute your surroundings are nice then turn the corner and you are in somewhere that looks like a outside location shot from Trainspotting.

We couldn't see any hungry pit bulls so we ventured closer for a better look. From the outside it just looks like a 4 storey block of flats with a very large basement. From the outside there is nothing particularly odd-looking about the building but, under the 8 flats which are clearly visible is actually housed an 18-room bunker. The main entrance is a heavy steel blast door which is clearly visible as it is at ground level. Apart from that there's nothing to see here folks so we moved on. It was interesting to find out about the bunker though. There are so many
secret underground things in London that we will never know about. I would still like to find out if the grassy knoll at the corner of Crown Lane and Beulah Hill in Norwood, where I thought there was government bunker, is the correct location.