The Old Lady Caff

Sock Monkey had to go to Hatton Garden recently to have a ring repaired. Between 1995 and 1999 I used to work on Saffron Hill which is just around the corner and so I used to know the area really well.

It was strange going back there one lunchtime last week as it brought back loads of good memories. And there was one in particular...

Not long after I started working there I discovered a caff (note not a cafe, this was a proper old London caff) which was run by two old ladies and an old bloke. I christened it "The Old Lady Caff". The old dears, who reminded me of Mortimer Brewster's maiden aunts (but not as jolly) from Arsenic & Old Lace worked on the sandwich counter and he was the cook. You could see him in the kitchen through the serving hatch.

There were also two extremely downtrodden looking waitresses who I can only assume were their granddaughters. Although one day there was only one waitress and we assumed that the other one had tunneled her way out to a better life in Venezuela or somewhere.

I used to go there on Fridays as I had to take my lunch break at 2pm. I liked their roast chicken and chips and would have that every week. My conversation with the waitress was always the same:

Waitress (robotically and a bit dead behind the eyes): "What can I get yew madamm?"

Sock Monkey: "I'd like the chicken and chips please"

Waitress: "Would you like grwayvee wivf that madamm?"

Sock Monkey: "Yes please"

Waitress: "Any brwedd and butter madamm"

Sock Monkey: "No thank you"

She would toddle off and shout my order to the 'chef' through the serving hatch. Soon

afterwards my lunch would arrive and I was always amused that my 'grwayvee" came in a little jug on the side.

Best fun though was when the waitress was away. The old ladies would get in another of their old lady friends to cover for her

and I swear to God that she wore an outfit just like this points right. Bear in mind that this old lady looked about 80 years old and

was about 4 foot 10 so it looked somewhat...odd.

In fact, this advert reminds me of them.

I started taking my friends there and they thought it was as weirdly entertaining as I did. Except Shelly. She came once and wailed, "Its not funny! Its just dirty in here!"

They had a bar upstairs. Not an actual bar but one of these:

I remember it being pink though and I'm sure it had a plastic ice bucket in the shape of a pineapple on top of it.

One Christmas they invited me to have a free glass of wine with my lunch because they were "offering it to all our customers today." I decided against it in case it disintegrated my teeth. I just enjoyed the tatty and sad Christmas decorations instead.

The very last time I ever went there I just went in for a takeaway sandwich. One of the old ladies made it for me. She was halfway through when she sneezed into her hands than continued making me my sandwich without washing her hands!! It was then that I decided that this place was possibly as unhygienic as it looked and there were only so many germs I could safely digest.

I looked for the caff last week but couldn't find it. It was 15 years ago so the owners are possibly dead now. They were certainly ancient when I was a regular customer. And I wonder what happened to the downtrodden waitress.

The chicken & chips (wivf grwayvee) were good though.